Shifting Your Story: The Key to Creating the Life You Want

It’s easy to get caught up in our own narrative about what is going on around us. If someone cuts us off in traffic, we assume that they did it deliberately, perhaps with the explicit intention of pissing us off. We then take these stories and use them to make ourselves miserable, never realizing that they are nothing more than the creations of our mind.

Here's an example a lot of people might find familiar: imagine running into an old friend in the parking lot. They glance briefly in your direction, then look the other way and keep walking. What just happened? You might tell yourself that they snubbed you and wonder what you did to offend them. You might recall an old disagreement and surmise that they are still holding a grudge. Or you might decide that you never liked them, and you’re glad they didn’t stop to talk to you.

Alternatively, you might think: “He must not have seen me. I wonder what he is up to these days.” In each case, we’re talking about the same situation, but different internal narratives lead to very different emotional responses. The first three will tend to promote negative responses, whereas the fourth is more likely to nurture feelings of warmth and curiosity.

Note that we have no way of determining for sure which interpretation is correct. We can only choose which to prefer, based on how we want to feel and respond. Even if the most negative interpretation is true and the person did snub you, you can’t do much with that except become discouraged, disappointed, and angry.

It’s up to you whether you take on that story. Only you have the power to determine how you interpret events. If you recognize that power, however, you must also accept the responsibility of noticing the stories you construct and deciding which ones to nourish.

Become Aware of Your Narrative

Please understand that I’m not asking you to give up creating stories altogether. The human mind is wired for narrative. It’s how we make sense of the world. Stories work for us because they help us understand and give meaning to our felt experience. Rather than seeing life as a multitude of random events, viewing it through the prism of narrative shapes our understanding in a way that can be beautiful. Once we realize that, we can see that people’s stories, even if they run counter to what we think of as “true,” are useful to those people in some way.

The key distinction comes when we realize that we have a choice around the stories we accept and use. Up to a point, our patterns of viewing the world are useful. When we encounter situations where they’re not useful, however, we must be flexible enough to shift perspective.

If we can’t do that or even realize that it is a possibility, then we’re doomed to continue attempting to make our redundant story fit a world that has changed. To catalyze your ability to adapt, realize that other stories exist which are just as valid, and it’s possible to shift toward them. This is the true work of a coach, to help us see what is TRULY possible in our lives.

Take some time to investigate your habitual stories and question which ones are working for you. Some may be, while others may not. Stories are not inherently bad, but one day every story stops working for us. Whatever narrative we tell ourselves about a situation, a challenge, or an organization is inherently limited.

A specific story may help you reach a certain level within an organization, for example, but eventually, you’ll be faced with different challenges. If you don’t change with them, you’ll hit a plateau and be unable to move beyond it. If the organization keeps evolving without you, your story will eventually become redundant and you’ll be ejected from the conversation.

Don’t try to abandon narratives entirely—that may not even be possible. But do consider which stories have an influence upon your emotions and behavior. Then you have the freedom to decide which ones you want to sustain and which ones you want to change.

Seeing Things Differently: A Simple Exercise to Transform Assumptions

Without assumptions, we’d find it very difficult to navigate daily life. We assume that the company we work for will continue to exist or at least that the specific industry as a whole will still be around for years to come.  

But companies go out of business or get acquired and the past couple of decades have proven that technological disruption can upend entire sectors. It would be difficult or impossible to live life thinking constantly in these terms. So, we tend to make assumptions.

That’s the positive aspect of assumptions. They hold together our understanding of reality. The negative aspect is that, when we fail to question them, we may limit our personal effectiveness by being blind to alternative courses of action.

An Exercise to Identify Your Own Assumptions and Help You to Let Them Go

Finding the mental space to explore your own assumptions takes a little practice, but it’s very rewarding. This exercise is designed to provide you with a gateway to do that in a few minutes. The more you do it, the more it will become a habit and the more easily you will be able to access this state of mind whenever you wish to.

1)  Sit in a relaxed but upright position.

2)  Bring your awareness to the sensation of your breathing.

3)  Rest your mind gently and smoothly on that feeling.

4)  Explicitly identify your existing story about the person or situation you are working on. Allow yourself to mindfully follow that story for a while without getting caught up in it.

5)  Ask yourself, “What am I assuming is true about me and about this situation? What do I think is real?”

6)  Ask yourself, “Is this always true? Am I certain? Have I, or other people, done this differently in the past?”

7)  Ask yourself, “What do I think is not changeable? What is my goal?”

8)  Ask yourself, “What would it feel like to see this differently?” (Try to actually feel this sensation in your body.)

9)  Carry that feeling of mental flexibility with you as you engage with the situation at hand.

When you become aware of the possibility of questioning your assumptions, it will become increasingly easy to do. Soon, you may find yourself looking with new eyes at situations you had previously taken for granted.

What Martial Arts Can Teach Us About Conflict Resolution

When most of us encounter a conflict, we either avoid it or escalate it. Neither approach is very productive. The former will probably result in a reputation as a pushover, while the latter tends to magnify tensions, potentially creating more conflict down the line.

What if there were another way? In Japanese martial arts, the concept of kuzushi, or disrupting the root or balance of the opponent, is well known. If you watch a match between two masters, you’ll see how effortless it looks when someone gets thrown. It doesn’t seem like anything dramatic has happened, and suddenly, they’re down.

For these masters, the secret to victory is understanding what unbalances their opponents, and the only way to gain this understanding is by staying connected to them. They move with their opponents and are able to sense where they are moving -- sometimes even before the opponents themselves do. Having established a close connection, they can change their actions at precisely the right moment, in exactly the right way, to throw them off balance.

Fixing a Tent, by Focusing on a Story

The approach described above isn’t only for martial arts masters. It can be useful in a host of situations. Some years ago, I led a backpacking trip in rural Tibet. With a group of twenty people, I traveled to a renowned monastery located in one of the most isolated places in the world, roughly five days drive from the nearest city. We were fortunate enough to have a crew of sherpas with us who assisted in various things, such as setting up tents.

Our party varied in hiking and climbing experience. Many were practiced outdoors people, but two of our backpackers, a couple from the East coast, were fairly new to backpacking and camping, and they were very uncomfortable in rural settings. It seemed to me they complained about every little thing—when people are uncomfortable, they may focus on the smallest things to release their anxious energy. They were especially upset when their tent zipper got stuck. The crew had pulled their tent a little too tight when setting it up, causing the zipper to stick—no big deal—but these two kept worrying about their “broken” zipper. When I looked at it, I didn’t see anything broken; it was just tight. I tried explaining that to them, but they couldn’t see anything but a broken zipper.

One morning, in an effort to shift their story, I pointed out a tiny village in the far distance, consisting of twelve small wooden houses on a hill. I told the couple that a tent repair person lived there, and that we would take their tent to them to be fixed once and for all. Without the couple knowing, I asked our sherpas to take down the tent, leave it flat, then simply put it back up when we were out of sight.

That was exactly what they did. When we returned, the couple tried out their tent and were amazed that the zipper “worked.” It wasn’t broken after all! I was glad the small amount of effort we put forth made them feel more comfortable and the trip was much more pleasant after the tent “repair.” 

What lessons can we learn from this situation? It was clear to me that the couple weren’t open to altering their story. In their minds, the tent zipper was broken, and no amount of persuasion could convince them otherwise. I could have confronted them directly and perhaps escalated the conflict into something truly unpleasant, which everyone on the trip would have had to live with—there was no escaping from one another in the midst of rural Tibet. Instead, I chose to address their frustrations as effectively as possible within the confines of their story.

Although little could actually be done to “fix” their situation, the small amount of effort we made to shift the situation for them made a noticeable difference in their experience throughout the rest of the trip—and to ours.

Move with, Not Against

The key distinction here is that the way to find a real resolution to conflict is to move with others, not against them. It’s tempting to attack first, rather than connect. We may try to overpower the person, or situation, with our sheer strength, verbal or physical. But if we connect deeply, possibilities open up, and the tide can begin to shift.

Nonetheless, it should be noted that even if it’s possible to help someone shift in the moment, it’s difficult to influence someone else’s story permanently—ultimately, this process needs to happen on their end. While I don’t necessarily believe this couple see the world in a more positive light after our trip, the strategy was useful in the short term.

By allowing their story to permeate my map of reality and responding to it in the most resourceful way I could, I was able both to “defeat” the problem and provide a more positive environment for everyone on the trip.

The next time you find yourself tempted to attack someone else’s, stop and first ask yourself what story is driving their behavior. Understand the world from their perspective and you’ll be far better placed both to help them and to influence them.

How to Find Gratitude in the Face of Challenges

Have you ever met someone and wanted them to go away as quickly as possible? Surely, we all feel this way at times. It’s difficult to be kind to people like this, yet it can be exceptionally rewarding. If nothing else, it’s a powerful practice for all the other frustrations we encounter in life.

While studying for my undergraduate psychology degree, I frequently crossed paths with a fellow student. We shared many interests, particularly a curiosity about how Asian philosophy has influenced modern psychology. He was always the first in class to raise his hand, eager to comment, and keen to have the attention of the class. From my perspective, however, his answers were at best only partially accurate. Before long, I found myself becoming increasingly annoyed with him.

At the time I was studying a type of meditation that focused on increasing one’s compassion to those who are challenging. I realized that it was hypocritical to be doing one thing on the meditation cushion and another in day-to-day life. So, after a particularly frustrating day with him, I decided to put my studies into practice. By practicing openness and patience, I was able to change my response to him. I saw his eagerness as a desire to make a positive impression and a contribution, and I felt compassion for the insecurity that led him to try to prove himself.

Within a week, my frustration level dropped. I found myself seeing him with new eyes. Intriguingly, I also noticed that he was seeking less attention in class. Perhaps he could subconsciously feel my positive regard and it met some of his needs for attention, freeing him to contribute more judiciously.

My wife, a developmental needs consultant, had a similar experience. One of her coworkers made a habit of pointing out the errors others made in their work by sending critical emails and copying everyone on them. Even the slightest mistake upset her. While my wife found this behavior irritating, she also recognized that it was the perfect opportunity to use this technique in her work setting.

She started bringing her coworker coffee when she went to the coffee shop, just to cheer her up a bit. She figured that if this coworker was spreading around so much negativity, she must be very unhappy. She wanted to brighten the woman’s day a little and give her an experience of generosity. After some time, however, the woman grew to like my wife and was even friendly toward her.

Again, my wife’s ability to change her experience with this individual ended up changing the behavior of this woman toward her as well. This was a welcome consequence, but not one that was under her control. We cannot expect to change people through our actions, only our experience of them.

This is not to say that we should minimize our natural emotional responses. Our emotions are like firecrackers. If we hold a firecracker in the palm of our open hand and it explodes, it doesn’t do a lot of damage, but if we close our hand tightly on it, the harm it causes drastically increases. Pent-up feelings of frustration lead only to more damage.

Reframing our perspective requires an actual internal shift. We can’t do this by toughing it out or telling ourselves to try to be more patient, because to do that we’ll have to clamp down on our own emotional experiences. It may be possible to hold them in for a while, but eventually, those emotions will explode outward.

Nor is it to suggest that we should ignore the need to set healthy boundaries. You don’t want to become a doormat who considers it a badge of honor to take everything everyone dishes out, all of the time. You may need to call people out when they push beyond your boundaries, and sometimes it’s healthiest to simply cut ties with them completely. The point is that it’s better to make that decision from a calm place, while you’re not embroiled with emotional reactions.

With practice, however, it’s possible to discover that the people we find most maddening are actually our greatest allies. They give us the opportunity to better ourselves, and that improves how we interact with other people in the future.

Often, the more frustrating a situation or person, the more we can grow from the experience, making us better prepared to meet the next challenge in a graceful and liberating way. Thinking about it this way, we can almost hope for annoyance and “enemies.” The more we deal with frustrating situations and people, the higher you rise both spiritually and in day-to-day life. Without that growth, it will be very difficult to achieve lasting success.

Honing these skills is seldom easy. It requires significant learning, which can be painful. In ancient times, swordsmiths in ancient times hammered swords repeatedly to get the perfect result—the very challenge to the metal’s integrity created the strength of the sword. From this perspective, every person we meet is a sword maker, and we’re the sword.

The more challenge they offer us, the more we can learn from them. The more frustration they bring, the greater the opportunity to temper the steel of our gratitude.

Scaling Up Your Business

It's a challenge to start a business, but there is often so much excitement and passion that there is enough momentum to continue the acceleration.

In my experience, the wheels can start to fall off when leaders begin trying to scale-up without first doing the work on their own leadership that will allow them to be successful through the scaling process.

Success starts and ends with mindset. I enjoyed talking with Bill Gallagher, a scaling master coach, on his podcast -- Scaling Up Business.

Shift: The Art of Transforming Limitations

My book is finally out!

Author Hour - Shift: The Art of Transforming Limitations

Really loved my time on Author Hour, and if you haven't had a chance to read the book yet this podcast will quickly give you actionable strategies to take your mindset and business to the next level. Click below to listen!

Five Signs You're Ready to Partner With a Business Coach

When I tell people I’m a business coach, one of the questions I most often get is:

“How do I know I’m ready for a business coach?”

Some people still think about coaching as a remedial option—their business isn’t working, so they need a coach to get it back on track. That is sometimes true, but it doesn’t acknowledge the full spectrum of situations where a coach can help. There are several signs you’re ready to hire a coach, and in this article, we’ll look at five of them.  

#1: Your business is working

The best coaching is with people who have already experienced some level of success and are ready to grow their business at an unprecedented rate. This runs counter to the notion above, which is that coaching is a remedial option. Some people who are successful think, “If I’m succeeding, why should I bother hiring a coach?”  

Here’s an analogy I use with my clients: the time to add more fuel to a fire is when it’s already burning brightly. Tom Brady has won six Super Bowl rings—do you think he’s stopped using a coach? Of course not! To reach greater heights, coaching becomes more important than ever. So, although it may seem counterintuitive, success is an indicator you’re ready for coaching to help propel you to the next level.

#2: You’re committed to your own success

Great coaching requires a commitment from the coach and the client. Both parties must be committed to the big goals of the client. If you’re not ready to make that commitment, you’re not ready for coaching. Now, you don’t necessarily have to know what those goals are right now. That’s part of the coaching process. But once you discover those goals, you’ve got to be all-in. Most (successful) entrepreneurs and business people I know are willing to commit to that, otherwise they wouldn’t be in the position they’re in now.

A great coach won’t let you “play small” with your goals. They will help you clarify the authentic dreams that got you into business in the first place. 

Of course, we all want to add another six figures of new revenue to our business, but what will that allow to you do in your life? Does that give you more time, space, or energy? Does it allow you to help more people or gain more recognition as a thought leader?  This is important because at the end of the day real satisfaction comes from achieving these big dreams and it usually is more than just a dollar amount. 

#3: You sense deep down that there’s more

Your business is gaining traction, but in the back of your mind, you know you could make a bigger impact. There’s something more you could be doing to leave a mark on the world and be a benefit to people. So many of my clients come to me and say, “I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I know that I’m meant for something bigger.” As their coach, we’ll explore that feeling together to figure out the legacy they want to leave.  

If you have that same type of feeling, a coach can help you fill in the blanks.

#4: You’re ready to reclaim your time

For many entrepreneurs, their level of monetary success is directly tied to their contribution of time. Yes, they doubled their revenue, but they’re also staying in the office until 10 PM every night. Or, they’re so bogged down with tactical work that they can’t lift their head up to spot some of the biggest opportunities for their business.

These entrepreneurs know they need some kind of system—whether it’s delegating, outsourcing, or implementing the 80/20 rule to focus on what’s most important—but they don’t have the time or space to do it. This is where some of the best coaching happens. Impactful coaches create the space for their clients to examine their business from a high-level, strategic perspective. Then, from that viewpoint, design systems that allow the client to reclaim their time and use it on strategic matters, not just tactical work.

#5: You love helping others

The most successful people I work with are dedicated to making a positive impact in the lives of others. Yes, they’re excited by the idea of scaling up their business, generating more revenue, and gaining more recognition. But what fires them up the most is helping their clients through their product or service. It’s not about making a quick buck. They believe their product or service can be a benefit in people’s lives. If the idea of multiplying your impact lights you up inside, you're ready for a coach.