It’s easy to get caught up in our own narrative about what is going on around us. If someone cuts us off in traffic, we assume that they did it deliberately, perhaps with the explicit intention of pissing us off. We then take these stories and use them to make ourselves miserable, never realizing that they are nothing more than the creations of our mind.
Here's an example a lot of people might find familiar: imagine running into an old friend in the parking lot. They glance briefly in your direction, then look the other way and keep walking. What just happened? You might tell yourself that they snubbed you and wonder what you did to offend them. You might recall an old disagreement and surmise that they are still holding a grudge. Or you might decide that you never liked them, and you’re glad they didn’t stop to talk to you.
Alternatively, you might think: “He must not have seen me. I wonder what he is up to these days.” In each case, we’re talking about the same situation, but different internal narratives lead to very different emotional responses. The first three will tend to promote negative responses, whereas the fourth is more likely to nurture feelings of warmth and curiosity.
Note that we have no way of determining for sure which interpretation is correct. We can only choose which to prefer, based on how we want to feel and respond. Even if the most negative interpretation is true and the person did snub you, you can’t do much with that except become discouraged, disappointed, and angry.
It’s up to you whether you take on that story. Only you have the power to determine how you interpret events. If you recognize that power, however, you must also accept the responsibility of noticing the stories you construct and deciding which ones to nourish.
Become Aware of Your Narrative
Please understand that I’m not asking you to give up creating stories altogether. The human mind is wired for narrative. It’s how we make sense of the world. Stories work for us because they help us understand and give meaning to our felt experience. Rather than seeing life as a multitude of random events, viewing it through the prism of narrative shapes our understanding in a way that can be beautiful. Once we realize that, we can see that people’s stories, even if they run counter to what we think of as “true,” are useful to those people in some way.
The key distinction comes when we realize that we have a choice around the stories we accept and use. Up to a point, our patterns of viewing the world are useful. When we encounter situations where they’re not useful, however, we must be flexible enough to shift perspective.
If we can’t do that or even realize that it is a possibility, then we’re doomed to continue attempting to make our redundant story fit a world that has changed. To catalyze your ability to adapt, realize that other stories exist which are just as valid, and it’s possible to shift toward them. This is the true work of a coach, to help us see what is TRULY possible in our lives.
Take some time to investigate your habitual stories and question which ones are working for you. Some may be, while others may not. Stories are not inherently bad, but one day every story stops working for us. Whatever narrative we tell ourselves about a situation, a challenge, or an organization is inherently limited.
A specific story may help you reach a certain level within an organization, for example, but eventually, you’ll be faced with different challenges. If you don’t change with them, you’ll hit a plateau and be unable to move beyond it. If the organization keeps evolving without you, your story will eventually become redundant and you’ll be ejected from the conversation.
Don’t try to abandon narratives entirely—that may not even be possible. But do consider which stories have an influence upon your emotions and behavior. Then you have the freedom to decide which ones you want to sustain and which ones you want to change.