Shifting Your Story: The Key to Creating the Life You Want

It’s easy to get caught up in our own narrative about what is going on around us. If someone cuts us off in traffic, we assume that they did it deliberately, perhaps with the explicit intention of pissing us off. We then take these stories and use them to make ourselves miserable, never realizing that they are nothing more than the creations of our mind.

Here's an example a lot of people might find familiar: imagine running into an old friend in the parking lot. They glance briefly in your direction, then look the other way and keep walking. What just happened? You might tell yourself that they snubbed you and wonder what you did to offend them. You might recall an old disagreement and surmise that they are still holding a grudge. Or you might decide that you never liked them, and you’re glad they didn’t stop to talk to you.

Alternatively, you might think: “He must not have seen me. I wonder what he is up to these days.” In each case, we’re talking about the same situation, but different internal narratives lead to very different emotional responses. The first three will tend to promote negative responses, whereas the fourth is more likely to nurture feelings of warmth and curiosity.

Note that we have no way of determining for sure which interpretation is correct. We can only choose which to prefer, based on how we want to feel and respond. Even if the most negative interpretation is true and the person did snub you, you can’t do much with that except become discouraged, disappointed, and angry.

It’s up to you whether you take on that story. Only you have the power to determine how you interpret events. If you recognize that power, however, you must also accept the responsibility of noticing the stories you construct and deciding which ones to nourish.

Become Aware of Your Narrative

Please understand that I’m not asking you to give up creating stories altogether. The human mind is wired for narrative. It’s how we make sense of the world. Stories work for us because they help us understand and give meaning to our felt experience. Rather than seeing life as a multitude of random events, viewing it through the prism of narrative shapes our understanding in a way that can be beautiful. Once we realize that, we can see that people’s stories, even if they run counter to what we think of as “true,” are useful to those people in some way.

The key distinction comes when we realize that we have a choice around the stories we accept and use. Up to a point, our patterns of viewing the world are useful. When we encounter situations where they’re not useful, however, we must be flexible enough to shift perspective.

If we can’t do that or even realize that it is a possibility, then we’re doomed to continue attempting to make our redundant story fit a world that has changed. To catalyze your ability to adapt, realize that other stories exist which are just as valid, and it’s possible to shift toward them. This is the true work of a coach, to help us see what is TRULY possible in our lives.

Take some time to investigate your habitual stories and question which ones are working for you. Some may be, while others may not. Stories are not inherently bad, but one day every story stops working for us. Whatever narrative we tell ourselves about a situation, a challenge, or an organization is inherently limited.

A specific story may help you reach a certain level within an organization, for example, but eventually, you’ll be faced with different challenges. If you don’t change with them, you’ll hit a plateau and be unable to move beyond it. If the organization keeps evolving without you, your story will eventually become redundant and you’ll be ejected from the conversation.

Don’t try to abandon narratives entirely—that may not even be possible. But do consider which stories have an influence upon your emotions and behavior. Then you have the freedom to decide which ones you want to sustain and which ones you want to change.

Seeing Things Differently: A Simple Exercise to Transform Assumptions

Without assumptions, we’d find it very difficult to navigate daily life. We assume that the company we work for will continue to exist or at least that the specific industry as a whole will still be around for years to come.  

But companies go out of business or get acquired and the past couple of decades have proven that technological disruption can upend entire sectors. It would be difficult or impossible to live life thinking constantly in these terms. So, we tend to make assumptions.

That’s the positive aspect of assumptions. They hold together our understanding of reality. The negative aspect is that, when we fail to question them, we may limit our personal effectiveness by being blind to alternative courses of action.

An Exercise to Identify Your Own Assumptions and Help You to Let Them Go

Finding the mental space to explore your own assumptions takes a little practice, but it’s very rewarding. This exercise is designed to provide you with a gateway to do that in a few minutes. The more you do it, the more it will become a habit and the more easily you will be able to access this state of mind whenever you wish to.

1)  Sit in a relaxed but upright position.

2)  Bring your awareness to the sensation of your breathing.

3)  Rest your mind gently and smoothly on that feeling.

4)  Explicitly identify your existing story about the person or situation you are working on. Allow yourself to mindfully follow that story for a while without getting caught up in it.

5)  Ask yourself, “What am I assuming is true about me and about this situation? What do I think is real?”

6)  Ask yourself, “Is this always true? Am I certain? Have I, or other people, done this differently in the past?”

7)  Ask yourself, “What do I think is not changeable? What is my goal?”

8)  Ask yourself, “What would it feel like to see this differently?” (Try to actually feel this sensation in your body.)

9)  Carry that feeling of mental flexibility with you as you engage with the situation at hand.

When you become aware of the possibility of questioning your assumptions, it will become increasingly easy to do. Soon, you may find yourself looking with new eyes at situations you had previously taken for granted.

What Martial Arts Can Teach Us About Conflict Resolution

When most of us encounter a conflict, we either avoid it or escalate it. Neither approach is very productive. The former will probably result in a reputation as a pushover, while the latter tends to magnify tensions, potentially creating more conflict down the line.

What if there were another way? In Japanese martial arts, the concept of kuzushi, or disrupting the root or balance of the opponent, is well known. If you watch a match between two masters, you’ll see how effortless it looks when someone gets thrown. It doesn’t seem like anything dramatic has happened, and suddenly, they’re down.

For these masters, the secret to victory is understanding what unbalances their opponents, and the only way to gain this understanding is by staying connected to them. They move with their opponents and are able to sense where they are moving -- sometimes even before the opponents themselves do. Having established a close connection, they can change their actions at precisely the right moment, in exactly the right way, to throw them off balance.

Fixing a Tent, by Focusing on a Story

The approach described above isn’t only for martial arts masters. It can be useful in a host of situations. Some years ago, I led a backpacking trip in rural Tibet. With a group of twenty people, I traveled to a renowned monastery located in one of the most isolated places in the world, roughly five days drive from the nearest city. We were fortunate enough to have a crew of sherpas with us who assisted in various things, such as setting up tents.

Our party varied in hiking and climbing experience. Many were practiced outdoors people, but two of our backpackers, a couple from the East coast, were fairly new to backpacking and camping, and they were very uncomfortable in rural settings. It seemed to me they complained about every little thing—when people are uncomfortable, they may focus on the smallest things to release their anxious energy. They were especially upset when their tent zipper got stuck. The crew had pulled their tent a little too tight when setting it up, causing the zipper to stick—no big deal—but these two kept worrying about their “broken” zipper. When I looked at it, I didn’t see anything broken; it was just tight. I tried explaining that to them, but they couldn’t see anything but a broken zipper.

One morning, in an effort to shift their story, I pointed out a tiny village in the far distance, consisting of twelve small wooden houses on a hill. I told the couple that a tent repair person lived there, and that we would take their tent to them to be fixed once and for all. Without the couple knowing, I asked our sherpas to take down the tent, leave it flat, then simply put it back up when we were out of sight.

That was exactly what they did. When we returned, the couple tried out their tent and were amazed that the zipper “worked.” It wasn’t broken after all! I was glad the small amount of effort we put forth made them feel more comfortable and the trip was much more pleasant after the tent “repair.” 

What lessons can we learn from this situation? It was clear to me that the couple weren’t open to altering their story. In their minds, the tent zipper was broken, and no amount of persuasion could convince them otherwise. I could have confronted them directly and perhaps escalated the conflict into something truly unpleasant, which everyone on the trip would have had to live with—there was no escaping from one another in the midst of rural Tibet. Instead, I chose to address their frustrations as effectively as possible within the confines of their story.

Although little could actually be done to “fix” their situation, the small amount of effort we made to shift the situation for them made a noticeable difference in their experience throughout the rest of the trip—and to ours.

Move with, Not Against

The key distinction here is that the way to find a real resolution to conflict is to move with others, not against them. It’s tempting to attack first, rather than connect. We may try to overpower the person, or situation, with our sheer strength, verbal or physical. But if we connect deeply, possibilities open up, and the tide can begin to shift.

Nonetheless, it should be noted that even if it’s possible to help someone shift in the moment, it’s difficult to influence someone else’s story permanently—ultimately, this process needs to happen on their end. While I don’t necessarily believe this couple see the world in a more positive light after our trip, the strategy was useful in the short term.

By allowing their story to permeate my map of reality and responding to it in the most resourceful way I could, I was able both to “defeat” the problem and provide a more positive environment for everyone on the trip.

The next time you find yourself tempted to attack someone else’s, stop and first ask yourself what story is driving their behavior. Understand the world from their perspective and you’ll be far better placed both to help them and to influence them.